Predictable gratitude

Everyday we grow older; that’s a fact. We experience the growth day to day and moment to moment, however in my experience, I tend to just take it for what it is. I notice it sometimes and I acknowledge it, but I rarely sit and evaluate it. 

I got to Lacee’s house yesterday while she was still at work. I gathered up all the dirty laundry (her’s and mine) and started to put a load in the washing machine. Mindless, productive tasks keep my mind at bay and my heart rate down when I’m stressed, however I do let my mind wander sometimes and yesterday found myself contemplating my age. I am twenty-one years old. I have lived on my own, I have signed leases, I have bought a car, I have dealt with insurance companies and repair shops and realtors. I’ve done grown-up things. I make my own money, I do my own grocery shopping, and I make my own decisions. 

When I switched the laundry from the washer to the dryer, I started thinking about my future; where I was going to live, what my life would look like a few years from now after I graduate with my Doctor of Pharmacy degree. Would Lacee and I own a house by then? Would we be in the market to buy a house? What about family planning? Pets? Would we dress the same? Who would our friends be? And for the first time, I realized that there was no real way of knowing. The only way to have any control over the picture I was trying to see was to appreciate everything that I have right now. 

I need to appreciate that I have Lacee, and that we both have roofs over our heads and food in our kitchens (however scarce). I need to be grateful for my education and the learning opportunities that I have. I may have a lot of health issues right now, but I am grateful to be alive. 

Finding a place in my mind to be presently grateful; allowing myself to stop for one moment in my day to think about what I have and what I want and what I deserve… is imperative. However unbearable and unpredictable life may seem at times, being grateful for all that I have… is beautiful.

Straightforward honesty

As stated in my introduction somewhere, I am a lesbian. I am out, proud and I love women. I’m not obnoxious or flamboyant; I’m just here and queer. I have a short haircut and I don’t dress very girly. My style tends to be rather androgynous but I have a female figure. Some people’s gaydar goes off when they see me and some don’t. It’s usually a 50/50 thing.

I was on the bus, going home, on Valentine’s Day a few days ago. I sat next to a nice woman and she began chatting with me. First about my phone, and then about other random things. She was very friendly and it’s not every day that the person you sit next to on the T in Boston starts up a friendly conversation with you.

This woman asked me something that no stranger had ever asked me. She was talking about Valentine’s day and asked me why I didn’t have any plans. This is how the conversation went:

Her: “You don’t have a– are you gay?”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “You don’t have a girlfriend?”
Me: “Nah.”
Her: “Probably best. why deal with other people’s bullshit when you have your own to deal with?”
Me: *laugh* “You know what? No stranger has ever come out and just asked me, point blank, if I am gay.”
Her: “Well, I know it’s rude, but I wanna know. Doesn’t matter to me, I just don’t want to assume that you are or you aren’t and be wrong either way!”
Me: “No, I think it’s great. I wish more people were as okay with just asking that kind of question as you are – I think it’s important.”

Made me smile. The fact that she nonchallantly asked me about my sexual orientation when we had only known each other for less than five minutes was incredible. Being honest and straightforward is beautiful.

Unadulterated excitement

My younger sister, Savannah, is four years old. She is loud, outspoken, and very happy. There is sixteen and a half years between the two of us, but the blood we share bridges that gap. 

Savannah, or (as we call her) Boopie, came to visit Boston once this year and got to ride on the subway. She was so excited and would not stop talking about it. The pure and unadulterated excitement shines off her cute little cheeks clearer than I’ve ever seen on any child’s face. 

I occasionally videochat with my mom and siblings. I got to see Boopie tonight via webcam.

Tonight, I asked her: “When are you going to come visit me?”
She replied: “Umm…Monday!”
My mother interjected and asked if I would really like to take her for a weekend. They live about 3 hours and a boat ride away, so it would have to be well planned out. Mom and her husband, Boopie’s father, want to take a trip to Florida to see my grandmother. Why not leave Boopie at Sissy’s?!
So, with this news Boopie started jumping around and yelling, “yay! yay! yay!”
I told her: “Boopie…when you get here, we can go on the train!”
She immediately ran to her father and exclaimed: “DAD! When I go stay with Sissy, I get to go on the train!”

She ran back to the computer and looked right into the camera. This moment, when she smiled and tried to really look at me through the screen, was beautiful. Her shining, unadulterated excitement is beautiful. I hope she never loses that – and if she does, I hope that she finds it and holds on tight.