Predictable gratitude

Everyday we grow older; that’s a fact. We experience the growth day to day and moment to moment, however in my experience, I tend to just take it for what it is. I notice it sometimes and I acknowledge it, but I rarely sit and evaluate it. 

I got to Lacee’s house yesterday while she was still at work. I gathered up all the dirty laundry (her’s and mine) and started to put a load in the washing machine. Mindless, productive tasks keep my mind at bay and my heart rate down when I’m stressed, however I do let my mind wander sometimes and yesterday found myself contemplating my age. I am twenty-one years old. I have lived on my own, I have signed leases, I have bought a car, I have dealt with insurance companies and repair shops and realtors. I’ve done grown-up things. I make my own money, I do my own grocery shopping, and I make my own decisions. 

When I switched the laundry from the washer to the dryer, I started thinking about my future; where I was going to live, what my life would look like a few years from now after I graduate with my Doctor of Pharmacy degree. Would Lacee and I own a house by then? Would we be in the market to buy a house? What about family planning? Pets? Would we dress the same? Who would our friends be? And for the first time, I realized that there was no real way of knowing. The only way to have any control over the picture I was trying to see was to appreciate everything that I have right now. 

I need to appreciate that I have Lacee, and that we both have roofs over our heads and food in our kitchens (however scarce). I need to be grateful for my education and the learning opportunities that I have. I may have a lot of health issues right now, but I am grateful to be alive. 

Finding a place in my mind to be presently grateful; allowing myself to stop for one moment in my day to think about what I have and what I want and what I deserve… is imperative. However unbearable and unpredictable life may seem at times, being grateful for all that I have… is beautiful.

Arguing without yelling.

I go to the same exact coffee shop every single weekday. I sit in the same table and talk to the same people. Having a constant like that gives me stability and something to look forward to each day. As cliche as this will sound, it’s nice to go somewhere where everyone knows my name. It’s not home, it’s not school, and it’s definitely not work. 

This morning, the two baristas were having a discussion. I didn’t notice when it began, but I picked up somewhere towards the beginning. They were discussing whether or not taking mood stabilizing medication was a choice or not. Now, I would love to interject and splatter my own opinion all over this entry, but I will refrain and just mention that the two of them were on two very different sides of the conversation. Still, they both kept their calm and discussed their opinions in a calm tone, not interrupting one another and ending the discussion before it turned into a full-blown fight. 

Personally, I would have gotten my panties in a twist and stood on my soap box and shot the other person down. No one has the right to demean what I do to take care of myself. 

This morning, I realized that the way that I instinctually react is dangerous. I need to calmly and rationally collect my thoughts and convey them in a respectful manner. Passion is important, but exploding all the time is not. 

The ability to discuss/argue and not yell at one another is beautiful. That moment this morning that I witnessed, was beautiful.